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Bernice's Birthday/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show"! What's red and green and plaid all over? I'll give you a hint. Your hero, my uncle, red green! Whoo! (applause and cheering) thank you very much. By golly -- ok, beautiful. This is a big day, probably my favourite day, next to christmas and pancake Tuesday. It's the best day, the most fantastic day. It's not just the gifts. It's people's thoughtfulness, the appreciation of people. That's what it's about. The balloons and the fancy cake don't hurt at all, either. We're not talking about the same special day, harold. What special day are you talking about? Asphalt day. No, I'm talking about aunt bernice's birthday. What? Aunt bernice. Bernice? My wife? Bingo! What did you get her? (laughing) (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): You're lookin' at segments from this particular show, the main message being, don't even think about changing the channel. To make sense out of this programme, you gotta give it your undivided attention. Man! It really is bernice's birthday. Her birthday falls a week after asphalt day. That's how I remember it. What is asphalt day? Asphalt day, harold. You know, asphalt day. Every spring, the highway crews fix the cracks and pot-holes in the road. They head to the main highway, but before the asphalt cools, we drive through the holes, undercoat all our vehicles. Then we scoop up the loose asphalt, take it home, and fix our own driveways. (audience laughing) wow... Um... I could see why that's exciting, in your mind, but I'm thinking, you know, your wife's birthday, maybe it's just slightly more important than a free bucket of pavement. I know, harold, but all the stores will be closed. It's not even noon yet. It's asphalt day -- nothing's open. Oh, wait a minute. Port asbestos -- I'll go up there. It's not asphalt day there till tomorrow. That's 125 miles away. By the time you arrive, everything will be closed. They're more cosmopolitan up there. The gas station's open till 7:00. (audience laughing) (red): In the "adventures with bill" segment, we're gonna be cooking some hot-- well, we're starting to cook them now, but, you know, by golly, just takes you back, doesn't it? And my lucky camping jacket, when I was a kid -- I don't know why bill felt he had to wave with his wienie but... Where did it go, bill? Where did it go? I think I can help you. Even that takes me back to the days at camp when youngsters would be maybe 9, 10... Some of us were 17, but that didn't matter. We were in the same grade. We'd be sitting around, and get down by the camp-fire and just... We would use the sticks, you know -- sticks on the hot dogs, and everything, but by golly, it's just kinda nice... Bill seems to carry hot dogs in his pocket. I don't know -- I guess he's using it as gratuities at the various hotels he stays at, I suppose. What are you doing, bill? He needs the coat hanger. Whoa! Uh-oh! ♪ ohhhh ♪ ♪ don't ever get a snake bite ♪ ♪ don't ever dare one to strike ♪ ♪ don't take a snake and wrap it around your head ♪ ♪ especially when you're riding your bike ♪ ♪ on the highway ♪ ♪ ohh, don't ever get a snake bite ♪ ♪ 'cause, believe me, that hurts plenty ♪ ♪ and don't drop a rattler into your shorts ♪ ♪ but then, hindsight is always 20-20 ♪ oh, yeah. This is for the grand prize of a recording of nature sounds, recorded at possum lodge, when stinky peterson accidentally hit the record button on a date. You have 30 seconds to make mr. Hap shaughnessy say this word... "alien". Na-na-na-na! Ok, go. All right, in the movie "e.T.", e.T. Was... ... My idea. (audience laughing) of course, spielberg never gave me any credit... Again. Yeah, ok, ok, fine. All right, uh... Say an extraterrestrial in a spaceship-- I'm sorry, red, no. I can't talk about that incident. National security. No, hap, a creature from another planet. Voldar. Pardon me? That's what he said his name was. I can't divulge more. No, hap, I'm talking about little green men from mars. That's a... ... A myth -- they're blue. Oh... Oh, boy. I may have said too much. Well, we're used to that. I better get out of here. National security. "x-files" and all that, you know. The truth is out there. Way out there. (laughing) this week on "handyman corner", thought I'd give the possum van a paint job. You're probably asking, "how come, red? "she looks ok to me." or "don't you need one of them air compressors?" or "what the hell is this show?" let me answer that by telling you, no, sir, I don't need one of them air compressors... Not when I got 60 pounds per square inch in each tire. Get yourself a funnel. Put your finger over the end. Put paint in 'er, and then what you do is you use the funnel to put the paint into the tire. Ok, apparently the air does get in the way of that. I've flattened all four tires. For once, I did it on purpose. I needed all four because I got four different kinds of paint. I have grey and black and blue and the little white highlights on here. Out of my four tires, let's see. One is old, one is new, one is borrowed... So this one, I'll make blue. All right, I got paint in all four tires. Now all's I have to do is just... Pump 'em up. (grunting) all right, now, you... Want to make sure you're in pretty decent physical condition before you... Pump up four tires like that. Just because you see... You see me do it doesn't mean it's something you should just automatically jump into. I got the paint in all four tires. Now I just want to make sure the paint is well mixed all the way through on them... (coughing) if you had a leaky valve, you could paint the town red. That came out wrong. To get the paint onto the van, you need these air hoses, here. You get them from your local gas station after they close and maybe they forgot to bring them in. So I've got four of them, one from each tire, or, I should say, one from each colour. Then, to distribute all the paint, I run 'er through one of these soft-drink dispenser nozzle units. I'm gonna use mainly blue, so I made that "cola". Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I got some van customizing to do. (clicking) ohhh! Uh, all right, I shouldn't have used the quick-drying paint on there. I'll tell you one thing. I'll never have a flat tire. Wait, now, wait, now. No, I think the nozzle's just clogged. I'm glad this is a plaid shirt. Stay tuned -- whatever this is, we got lots more of it. Want to talk to you guys who are thinking about getting married... Again. Before you make the life-long till-death-do-us-part commitment thing for the second or third time, can I just ask you one simple question? What are you, nuts? Why would you give up the one thing that all men want? Freedom. I'm not just talking about freedom to drive anywhere. I'm talking about freedom to drive anywhere... The way you want. (audience laughing) freedom to stop at the bathroom when you want to. Freedom to go to the drive-through when you want to. The freedom to be able to hold on to your low-browed, narrow-minded, short-sighted opinions without ever having to defend them. (audience laughing) why would you want to give that up? Because you'll have to. Oh, yeah, oh, for sure. Oh, yeah. She's marrying you for the exact opposite reason that you're marrying her. She thinks you'll change. (laughing) she thinks you'll change for the better... ... Improve with age. Hey, things don't improve with age. Look at your truck! (laughing) look at your roof! Look in the mirror! So for gosh sake, before it's too late, don't get married again! And don't feel guilty. I'm sure someone on her side of the family is giving her the same advice. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. (laughing and applause) ever get the feeling that cruel fate is playing you out like a bass? Would that be a large-mouth? (laughing) would that be a suicide attempt? (audience laughing) I'm heading out to the highway in the van. Some moron took all the asphalt out of the big pot-hole by pie peak turn-off. Man, I nailed 'er. Bent a strut, broke a tie rod, took a good shot in one of my ball joints. I didn't get to port asbestos and couldn't get bernice a birthday gift at the gas station. A very novel concept. Interesting shopping venue, uncle red -- a gas station. You know, I guess you're after that high-end stuff -- the fuzzy dice, the road maps, key chains, things like that. I was getting her glassware. It's free with a fill-up, ok? There's 12-ounce glasses. They're unbreakable, and the sunoco logo matches our kitchen. Oh! Well, then, yes, of course. What are you gonna do now? Plan "b", harold. Sell me your gift. I'd love to. Thanks a lot. But I can't. That would be wrong. Aw, come on, harold. It's important, what I give her. You're just a nephew. She couldn't care less about you. (audience): Awww! That's not even true! I know she likes me! I like her and she knows I like her because I have never forgotten her birthday. Wahhh. (audience laughing) tell you what you could do. Ask your friends if they have any useless gifts they gave their wives but the wives knew it was useless, so it's laying around. So you're suggesting I get a useless gift for bernice? It's not like we'll break tradition here, uncle red. (audience laughing) uh, hello, my name's dalton. I am a man. (all): Hi, dalton! Hello, men. The other night, I was watching t.V. I had the remote control in my hand. My wife was there and my daughter was there and I was flippin' through the channels like always, 'cause there was nothing on, which is so damn typical! Anyway, I was flippin' and flippin' and flippin' and flippin' and, uh, you know... I knew I was doing wrong because the t.V. Guide was there. The t.V. Guide, you can never trust what it says because the descriptions are never very helpful! The other night, they had this show called "friends". I turned it on and there was none of my friends on then. Anyway, I was flippin' and flippin' and flippin' and flippin' and suddenly I hear this voice. It's right in my head. It was right there! Turned out it was my wife beside me on the couch. Scared me anyway, though! She said, "dalton, give me that remote!" you know what? Right then and there... I stopped flippin'... And I turned over and I handed the remote to her and I said, "honey... "you... Choose." (gasping) wow! Big stuff! That made me feel so sick to my stomach, but I did it! I let my wife choose the programme she wanted. She wanted to see "martha stewart living". We watched it for quite a while. I don't think martha stewart is living. I think that was some kind of robot thing on there. We watched it for hours. It was the worst night of my life. We must have watched four or five shows on home decorating, all of them filled with ideas and information. I didn't want to see ideas and information. I wanted to watch television! (red): Meanwhile, back at "adventures with bill", we got all... Got the wieners cooked and they're ready to put... Gotta back up a little. Drop the wieners into the buns. This brings me back. Remember "the ed sullivan show" where the guys spin plates? Get one going, then the other would almost fall... Then the other one, then they get-- then he'd add another one and then, all of a sudden... They're gone. Where's-- what are you doing, bill? They gotta go into the buns. Hold them there? Uh-oh, bill has a plan. On the hat, down the shoulders, and... Oh, by golly. Perfect! Oh, by gosh, yeah. All right, we're ready-- they're warm, they smell great. Just gonna-- what? No? Oh, bill's gotta put the... Oh, man. Just a bit of that, bill. I'm not that fussy on the... Ohhh... Yeah, just put a little bit on there. I'll say when. Ok, when. When. When. Ohhhhh! When! Thank you, bill. Want to check the hearing aid. A little bit of relish. Need something to kill the taste of the ketchup. Just a little bit. When. Whoa! Whoa! Yeah, that should do it. Boy, oh, boy. Oooh! Bill's just gonna put some mustard on his. I decided not to have the mustard. What are you doing? He couldn't get 'er out. Ok, all right, yeah, ok. You want me to hold-- you did the ketchup, the relish. You want me to hold the hot dog-- no, no, no! Uh-uh, mm-mmm. Let's try a switch.... Ohhh! Ohhh! A thought went through my mind, but... No. We have to do another show next week... So, uh, stand back, bill. There you go. Jeez, I may have missed that. I could go again, I suppose. Bill, I could go again, if you want. Huh? There's something you don't see very often... An arm with a hot dog on each end. No, thanks, bill. Mmm! (red): Here's a combination fishing rod and bait pail, sent by a viewer. I gotta go home soon. I have nothing for bernice. You were right about lodge members and stuff they've bought for their wives. The selection was there, wasn't it? You should have seen the stuff. Crepe makers, hot-air popcorn poppers, individual grilled-cheese sandwich waffle-iron things, a bread maker, electric wiener warmer... Unbelievable. Why didn't you buy her one? Bernice already has all those. Right, ok, yeah. You know what you could do? Get her a romantic intangible. That's a good idea -- are they electric? (audience laughing) no... No, no, no. It's like, one time... One time, right? I had this crush on a girl so I gave her a poem. Well, I wrote one. When it came time to give it to her, I panicked and swallowed it. I didn't think she wanted it after that. A poem won't work, harold. Nothing rhymes with "bernice". I know what I'll do. I'll build her something, all by myself, right in the workshop. Yeah, mm-hmm, yeah. Nothing says "I like you" like good one-side plywood. Welcome to the expert portion, where we explore those three words that men find so difficult to say. (audience): "I don't know!" now, joining my uncle red is the new person to the possum lake area, mr. Kevin black! (applause and cheering) the letter goes as follows -- "dear experts, "last year, my wife and I "heated our cottage with electricity. "when the bill came, "I had to cash in a savings bond "and get a second job. "is there a cheaper way to heat a country home?" yeah, there is. It's a special substance we have up here in the non-city areas. It's called wood, all right? It grows on trees up here. (audience laughing) (laughing) no, he's kidding. Go with gas. I'm building a place here and I'm putting in a gas furnace. It is clean and inexpensive. This will be interesting. I thought you had to hook a gas furnace up to something. You know, uh... I believe they call them gas pipelines. Nobody has gas up here. Ok. Ok, well, then, the... Uh, that... ... Tree thing would be the way to go. All right, yeah. It might be kind of fun, rolling up the sleeves, swinging an axe. No, we use chainsaws up here. I came here for the quiet. Chainsaws are awful noisy. I think you'd rather listen to a chainsaw for a week than listen to an axe for five months. All right, well, I'll hire a local. There must be guys willing to work for 80, 90 cents an hour. What about you, red? You need some extra pin money? No, thanks, I have enough pins. Don't think you want me swinging an axe up at blood point. It's called bluff point. Not when uncle red's through with it. No, thank you, I got my own wood to chop. You know, I don't mean to be rude, but I don't think you grasp the concept of business management. We don't, and we really appreciate the compliment. See, uh, how it works is if I chop your firewood, I gotta hire somebody to chop mine. He's gotta hire somebody, and so on. We think it's easier if everybody does their own work and nobody has to spend money they don't have. Then you have no local economy. No, but we have this thing called a local reality. Well, that may... That may be all right for the boonies, but I would hate to see what the city would look like if we operated that way. You'd have more trees and less gas. (laughing and applause) this is the one, harold. Get off there, you gol-darned son of a gun. I got 'er this time! Can you imagine what bernice is-- I come home -- look at this! What do you think, huh? A desk set, harold. That's a gas-powered pencil sharpener. We got a one-ton hole punch. Huh? Eh? Huh? What do you think? Ahhh! Ohhhh! Ash tray. She don't smoke. I'll buy her cigarettes. (audience laughing) come on, sell me your present. No can do, no can do. I worked hard on it. It's sentimental. It means so much. Fifty bucks. Sold. All right, good. Let's get this frou-frou stuff off so she knows it's from me. What is this, a cushion? It's needlepoint! I worked really hard on that. "to aunt bernice. "with love, your nephew harold." (possum squeal) meeting time, uncle red. I'll see you there in a minute. You'll be down in a minute? Actually, you look down already. (laughing) well... If my wife is... Oh, my gosh. Are you watching, bernice? Well, uh... I guess I'll be sleeping on the porch tonight but don't worry about me. I'll have this cushion and... Hey, happy birthday, and remember, you're not getting older. You're getting... ... More forgiving, I'm hoping. The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the needlepoint maniac, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and cheering) (possum squeal) (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): Sit down. If anybody's talking to buster hadfield, I want to have a word with them. To join possum lodge or to get possum lodge merchandise, call... Or check out harold's home page on the internet. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. Boy, this is too much!